Divine Intervention

After months of struggling with my faith and everything else, things began looking up. I went to the Gilbert Temple open house on my 18 month mark as a member of the Church and felt the Spirit the strongest I have in a while. Church the previous Sunday was fantastic. I went to two sacrament meetings that were designed with me in mind (well, not really but Heavenly Father has His ways) and my institute classes (I'm taking 5 of them) have been really beneficial. I decided I wanted to further my scriptural knowledge since I have only been expanding the subject areas I learned in the first few months of being LDS and grew hungry for more.

I found myself in a Pearl of Great Price class learning some pretty interesting things. I wasn't sure how to handle it and began doubting my faith instead of my doubts. (Reference Uchtdorf's October 2013 General Conference talk titled "Come, join with us.") In his talk he highlights some sweet invitations. He says: "If you have left the faith you once embraced: Come back again. Join with us. If you are tempted to give up: Stay yet a little longer. There is room for you here. I plead with all who hear or read these words: Come, join with us."

I can picture his German accent as I reflect this talk.

I have this cardboard box theory. God doesn't live in cardboard boxes. Or is it boxen? (Brian Regan makes me laugh..) Anyway. Light doesn't get into a closed lidded box. Simply put. And for a while, I lived in a box.

Yeah, that was me. Crazy box lady.

Check it out.. One fateful day, some Mormon missionaries cut a hole in my box. And they let in light. They explained to me that this phenomena was called God. And it was good. A while after my initial shock had worn off, I agreed to have more holes cut into my box, letting in more and more light. Eventually I decided to step out of my box and I recognized that there was light all around me. Lots of it. And it turns out it had always been there. I was just too preoccupied in my box, nice and dark and cold.

For a while, I stood around outside of my box, not letting it out of my sight. Then I progressed. And went a bit further away. Before I knew it, I was a mile away dancing in the sunshine (figuratively speaking) with my box nowhere in sight.

Some time passed and things got hard. They got uncomfortable. My faith got tested as did my convictions. My dark box seemed cozier than all the exposure that came with living in light.

I walked back to my box and opened the lid. The adversary was happy to see me. My doubts came. The heartache returned. That absence of warmth. It's was an unsettling familiarity. But I stayed anyway.

I sought out help, after the unsettled feelings changed to comfort from familiarity. And I made the decision that I wanted that light again. So I opened my lid and let that light back in. The adversary didn't like this move so much.

When I was in this class, learning about the Pearl of Great Price, there were things I didn't understand. Stuff I still don't understand. But my forever foe decided he would blow the wind over my cardboard box lid and fill me with doubt again.

I was really tested. Thankfully, God placed protection in the form of friends and institute instructors. He prepared them for my questions. And I was prompted to pray. I couldn't get the words out. I tried for a while and to no avail, I was discouraged. My best friend/roommate, Kariann, prayed with me. We prayed for faith, strength and courage.

Two minutes later, missionaries knocked on my door. Can you say Divine Intervention?!

God reached out. Dramatically. When I needed it most. The elders helped me. Really related to me. Shared messages, inspiring thoughts and challenges. They picked my fragile spirit up and took it out of that box as we waved Satan farewell.

I am grateful that our Father knows us so intimately. My faith was restored and strengthened. My testimony grew. I was able to recognize what was going on, and gain the courage to look forward with faith.

I hope that one day, my cardboard box will be forever out of my picture. But something one of the missionaries said to me really stuck with me. While we focused on blessings, gratitude and the plan of salvation, we talked a bit about what God does for us.

Whilst making a comment about the difference of lifestyle between being a member and not (since he is a convert as well) he said: "While I feel like I was happy sometimes without the gospel in my life, I came to realize that it isn't happiness we yearn for; it's peace."

John 14:27 says: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I feel that peace. I know the contrast it brings. I'm happy in the light. I'm grateful God is here for us all the time. I honestly don't know what I would do without the influence of Him, the Savior and Holy Ghost in my life.

I am forever His. And I will do my best to not forget that.

Standing on a rock looking up

     That light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train after all.
     I have somehow managed to begin putting one foot in front of the other again on my journey back to my Heavenly Father. It has taken a while, but I'm grateful I remembered how. Today I bore my testimony to an old friend. I forgot what that was like. It was such a neat feeling to genuinely feel what I was saying when I was saying it. My heart was 100% connected. 
     I think that having opportunities like this one has been unique. I don't like trials. They suck. A lot. And I have had quite a few of them in pretty quick succession recently and I haven't been handling it the best. And this week I have been given a renewed perspective. 
     I know what I need to do to get back and I am finally motivated to do it. God has my back. He always has. For all of us. I'm just.. happy. 
     I'm taking three institute classes this semester. I need it right now. I am so grateful for the ability to go. I learn so much. I feel like having these classes throughout the week is going to give me the armor I wasn't strong enough to put on. It's incredible the difference it makes. 
    This week I am going to walk through the Gilbert Temple. All of it. It is a big deal for me. I think that Gods timing is immaculate. Last weekend was the first Arizona Young Single Adult Conference, this week institute started back up and the temple open houses begin. I am receiving help from the heavens like it were plastered on a billboard. 
     God is good. I missed Him. So much. So so much. And I'm happy I found my way back on this path. 

Oftentimes wrong.

     Over these last few months I have had a hardened heart.
     I was struggling with my faith, my convictions, my everything. I grew tired of always striving to be better. I was tired of pushing my way through the things of the world. Tired of always seeking God and feeling like it was not the other way around. 
     I was wrong. 
     I buried my weapons of war against the adversary and replaced them with weapons of rebellion, pride and stubbornness towards my Savior. I decided I could handle things without God's influence for a while. I had done it before. My whole life, so I thought. 
     I was wrong about that, too.
     Lot's of pain comes with these things. Being wrong sucks. Having to stand on my own two feet all the time sucks. And thinking that your God turned His back on you sucks.
     I'm glad I'm wrong. 
     God doesn't turn His back. Ever. Which is great. Because we need Him. Pretty much all the time. Forever. And the Savior loves us. So much. We are not alone. Nor will we ever be.
     I have had to rely on my testimony to get me through some tough things lately. My testimony of prayer has been tested. Of the plan of salvation. Of reading scripture. Of prophets and their council. All of it. I have been tested. A lot. I don't necessarily enjoy it, but I do appreciate it (if that makes sense.) I'm growing. And I get the term "growing pains" a lot better now. 
     My Bishop is wonderful. He is an inspired man. Truly a submissive servant to his Father. He has helped me see things a bit clearer when I cant. I'm grateful for him. 
     Recently, one of my very best friends committed suicide. He used his agency to end his life, in hopes of meeting his Maker. This has brought me so much pain. My heart is broken for the loss, for his family, for his friends - all of it. My testimony has pulled me through this. 
     In October of 2013's general conference, Thomas S. Monson gave a talk about something very similar. His wife had passed away a few short months prior to his talk and he expressed his deep gratitude, sadness and appreciation for his testimony. The strength he was able to gain from that has helped me find mine. 
     I feel like sometimes I miss the forest because I'm too busy analyzing the trees. I'm upset when one tree falls or has lost its leaves when there are so many other trees around to admire. I forget that God is in control. I doubt Him more often than I should. Everything really does happen for a reason. And I get that. I just wish I didn't have to keep re-learning this very lesson.
     I have new perspective. Again. Even though tomorrow is not guaranteed, today is here. And God is the same yesterday as He is today and forever. I just need to trust Him. And recognize that I'm wrong. A lot. And that sometimes.. He knows what He is doing. And by sometimes, I mean every time. I'm grateful for His presence in my life. I'm grateful that He hasn't left my side. I'm grateful that even when I am being stubborn and full of pride, He softens my heart just enough for me to recognize that I need to put those weapons down and pick my other ones back up. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am enough. I am a daughter of a King. And I am okay. 

     I am healed because He was broken. I am whole because He loved me first. Always.