Oftentimes wrong.

     Over these last few months I have had a hardened heart.
     I was struggling with my faith, my convictions, my everything. I grew tired of always striving to be better. I was tired of pushing my way through the things of the world. Tired of always seeking God and feeling like it was not the other way around. 
     I was wrong. 
     I buried my weapons of war against the adversary and replaced them with weapons of rebellion, pride and stubbornness towards my Savior. I decided I could handle things without God's influence for a while. I had done it before. My whole life, so I thought. 
     I was wrong about that, too.
     Lot's of pain comes with these things. Being wrong sucks. Having to stand on my own two feet all the time sucks. And thinking that your God turned His back on you sucks.
     I'm glad I'm wrong. 
     God doesn't turn His back. Ever. Which is great. Because we need Him. Pretty much all the time. Forever. And the Savior loves us. So much. We are not alone. Nor will we ever be.
     I have had to rely on my testimony to get me through some tough things lately. My testimony of prayer has been tested. Of the plan of salvation. Of reading scripture. Of prophets and their council. All of it. I have been tested. A lot. I don't necessarily enjoy it, but I do appreciate it (if that makes sense.) I'm growing. And I get the term "growing pains" a lot better now. 
     My Bishop is wonderful. He is an inspired man. Truly a submissive servant to his Father. He has helped me see things a bit clearer when I cant. I'm grateful for him. 
     Recently, one of my very best friends committed suicide. He used his agency to end his life, in hopes of meeting his Maker. This has brought me so much pain. My heart is broken for the loss, for his family, for his friends - all of it. My testimony has pulled me through this. 
     In October of 2013's general conference, Thomas S. Monson gave a talk about something very similar. His wife had passed away a few short months prior to his talk and he expressed his deep gratitude, sadness and appreciation for his testimony. The strength he was able to gain from that has helped me find mine. 
     I feel like sometimes I miss the forest because I'm too busy analyzing the trees. I'm upset when one tree falls or has lost its leaves when there are so many other trees around to admire. I forget that God is in control. I doubt Him more often than I should. Everything really does happen for a reason. And I get that. I just wish I didn't have to keep re-learning this very lesson.
     I have new perspective. Again. Even though tomorrow is not guaranteed, today is here. And God is the same yesterday as He is today and forever. I just need to trust Him. And recognize that I'm wrong. A lot. And that sometimes.. He knows what He is doing. And by sometimes, I mean every time. I'm grateful for His presence in my life. I'm grateful that He hasn't left my side. I'm grateful that even when I am being stubborn and full of pride, He softens my heart just enough for me to recognize that I need to put those weapons down and pick my other ones back up. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am enough. I am a daughter of a King. And I am okay. 

     I am healed because He was broken. I am whole because He loved me first. Always.